


I Leave in My Heart

by FagurFiskur



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Office, Anal Sex, Bottom Dean, From Sex to Love, Hurt Dean, Hurt/Comfort, Intercrural Sex, Jealous Dean, M/M, Misunderstandings, Rimming, Top Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 14:17:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4482449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FagurFiskur/pseuds/FagurFiskur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Cas are just fucking, except for the part where Dean might possibly be in love with Cas. Cas doesn't feel the same way, which is just fine with Dean, except for the part where it's not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Leave in My Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [youaresunlight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/youaresunlight/gifts).



> fill for puppycastiel's (youaresunlight on ao3) prompt (at the bottom, for spoiler reasons). fair warning: despite this being a fill for someone else’s prompt, this might just be the most self-indulgent thing i’ve ever written!
> 
> title from organs by of monsters and men

He was going to regret this in the morning.

"Wanna hear," Cas muttered into Dean's neck, gripping his thighs tighter and forcing them further apart. It caused them to burn, but with Cas pounding him into next week, Dean found it hard to care. "C'mon, let go, wanna hear,  _Dean_ -"

Dean's body went taut, the tension inside him mounting and then snapping all at once, back arching as he came with a moan that would make a porn star proud. Cas fucked him through it, finding his own release not long after.

Cas went half-limp on top of him, but Dean didn't think to roll him off. It embarrassed him to admit, even to himself, but this part was always his favorite. The few unguarded moments after sex, when they were still all wrapped up in each other, Cas' touch growing soft, almost affectionate, and Dean could just close his eyes and pretend it meant something.

But these moments never lasted long, and too soon Cas was pulling away. He sat up, back turned to Dean, and began to get dressed.

"In a hurry?" Dean asked, the question slipping out without permission.

Cas' answer was a non-verbal grunt, and Dean tried to tell himself it didn't disappoint him. Cas didn't owe him an explanation, he knew that. They weren't boyfriends or whatever, they weren't even friends.

"I have somewhere I need to be," Cas finally said. "Someone I need to meet."

"A date?" Dean joked, thankfully managing to sound half-way casual. Cas just glanced at him over his shoulder, not even bothering to dignify it with a response. "So, uh, when do you wanna meet up again?"

Cas finished buttoning up his shirt, before answering with a curt, "I'll call you."

Then he leaned in, giving Dean a farewell peck. In a moment of weakness, Dean grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him back in, deepening the kiss. The rigid emotional distance Cas kept only made Dean more desperate for the only kind of intimacy Cas  _would_ allow, and he couldn't stop himself from pouring every ounce of longing and frustration he felt into that kiss.

Cas returned the kiss, just as heated, but then he was pulling away and saying, "I don't have time for round two right now."

Dean plastered on a shaky grin, trying to ignore the hollow feeling in his chest. "Can't blame a guy for trying."

***

The whole thing with Cas had seemed like such a good idea when it started.

They worked in the same office, on different floors, and they didn't have more than a couple of casual acquaintances in common. They hadn't met officially until the company's New Year's party, where they'd both gotten spectacularly drunk and somehow ended up groping each other in a supplies closet.

When they'd woken up next to each other in Dean's bed, Dean had expected some awkward small talk and a hurried goodbye. Instead, Cas had gone down on him and then dragged him into the shower, where he'd fucked him against the wall. It was the hardest Dean had ever come.

Cas had been the one to suggest they make this a recurring thing, and Dean hadn't seen any reason to object. Hell, regular, no-strings-attached hookups had seemed amazing at the time.

Of course, Dean should have known it would get complicated. He kind of had a tendency to fall for the people he slept with. Not  _in love_  (not necessarily), but some part of Dean's brain had always conflated sex with intimacy. He was sure Sam would have some choice words about it, how this was all because Dean hadn't been hugged enough as a child or some shit like that, but the bottom line was that Dean got irrationally attached to even the most casual hook-up. It usually didn't last for more than a couple of days, but Cas... Cas was different.

Dean couldn't even really explain it, but there was something about him. They didn't talk much, but they didn't need to for Dean to get to know Cas. He was a guarded person, and kind of off-putting if you didn't bother to look past the surface, but he had a kind heart. He had his own unique sense of humor, a generous spirit, and was simultaneously the most charming and the most socially awkward person Dean knew.

For a while, Dean had hoped that something more might come of their arrangement. Sure, Cas was distant, almost cold, both before and after sex, but during he was attentive, passionate, almost loving.

All right, so Dean would be lying if he said he'd completely give up hoping. But he was kind of dense that way.

***

"Oh,  _fuck_."

Cas hummed in agreement, the vibrations adding to the already amazing things his tongue was doing to Dean's ass. Dean pushed against it, whining low in his throat when Cas forced his hips to still.

"Be patient," he whispered.

"Wasn't this supposed to be a quickie?" Dean hissed back, fully conscious of the fact that any one of their coworkers could be walking past their little hideout at any time. The doors of the supplies closet weren't exactly made to be soundproof, but then, they'd gotten away with fucking in here plenty of times before.

"It is. Now keep still."

Dean didn't have time for a snappy retort, since in the next moment Cas was licking his rim, effectively shutting him up. Fuck, but the  _heat_ with which Cas ate him out, the pure fucking hunger, like it was getting him off, feeling Dean's hole contract around his tongue and hearing his barely held-back moans.

But just as Dean was approaching the edge, Cas pulled back. Dean turned around, about to complain, but Cas was up on his feet, pushing him insistently against the wall, dick sliding against Dean's crack.

"You gonna fuck me?" Dean asked, excited and nervous at once. He was nowhere near prepped enough, but the thought of Cas wanting so badly to fuck him he'd be willing to try anyway, turned him so much he could barely stand it.

But Cas shook his head. "Don't be stupid."

He thrust his hips against Dean's, cock sliding against Dean's ass, catching on his hole but not pushing inside, not giving him any more than the teasing pressure.

"Keep your thighs together," Cas muttered in Dean's ear.

Dean stumbled to obey, legs loose and uncooperative from the fifteen minute rimjob he'd just received. Once he was in the right position, Cas grabbed his cock and started jacking it fast and hard, moving his hips in tandem. It was like he was fucking Dean except not, cock sliding between his thighs, teasing at his perineum. His breath came in labored gasps, right against Dean's ear, signaling just how close he was.

"Wish I  _could_ fuck you," he said, voice breathy and rough. "If I had known we'd been doing this, would've brought lube. Would've brought a plug, so that I could fuck you full and keep you that way. Couldn't see you at your desk, but just  _knowing_ that you'd be there, squirming because of me-"

He cut himself off with a too-loud groan, hips stuttering. He was coming, Dean could feel it between his thighs, and just the feeling of Cas marking him up like that was enough to send him tumbling over the edge as well.

They did their best to fix themselves up, but when they left the closet five minutes later Dean knew they still looked absolutely debauched. Cas headed for the elevator without so much as a word goodbye (which Dean was  _not_ gonna get his panties in a twist about for fuck's sake, they were at work), and Dean went back to his office.

***

Cas had once stayed over after sex, after the first time. Dean had had a truly awful day and he'd been drinking, though not drunk, when Cas had arrived at his apartment unannounced.

The sex had been, for once, kind of bad, since Dean had been feeling shitty and needy, and Cas hadn't really known how to deal. But afterwards, he'd let Dean cling to him for an hour, fingers tracing soothing patterns on his back. He hadn't asked Dean what was wrong or if he'd wanted to talk, but he'd been there, and that had been enough.

The next day, though, the distance had been back and it might all just as well have been a dream. But either way, the point was, if Dean had clung to hope it wasn't like Cas hadn't give him a reason to.

***

Somehow, while not working closely with the IT department at all, Dean had become a regular member of their semi-weekly get-togethers at the Roadhouse to bitch and gossip about their coworkers in various other departments.

He kind of blamed Charlie.

"So did they break up or not?" Becky Rosen demanded, leaning forward in her seat.

Ash shrugged. "Broke up, got back together. Maybe broke up again, I don't know."

"Who even cares at this point?" Charlie said, rolling her eyes. "You know it's not gonna last. That's like, what, five breakups in one month?"

"Six," Jo chimed in. "If you count what happened on Valentine's."

"Like I said, who even cares." Charlie rounded up on Becky. "But you promised you had some news. Something not related to the ongoing Ava-and-Andy saga."

Becky lit up. "Oh, right! Okay, so you guys know Castiel Novak?"

Dean's heart skipped a beat, hand tightening instinctively around his bottle of beer. She  _wouldn't_ , would she? Not with Dean sitting right there?

"Guy works on the fourth floor?" Charlie asked. "Dark hair, has kind of an intense stare?"

"Yeah!" Becky leaned forward on her elbows, looking positively gleeful. "Well, Kristy told me that Nick told her than he saw him on a date with Meg Masters!"

" _What_?"

It wasn't until everyone turned around to look at him that Dean realized that that outburst had been him.

"CEO's daughter Meg Masters?" he added weakly. "Are you sure?"

Becky nodded. "He saw them at that French place on third." She sighed dreamily. "That place is super romantic. Candles, white tablecloths, the whole nine yards. Chuck wants to take me there, but it's impossible to get a reservation."

She kept talking, but her voice faded into the background. Dean stared down at the table, still trying to grasp what he’d just been told.

Cas was  _dating_. Cas, who had never showed the slightest interest in anything beyond sex with Dean, was dating other people. 

A thousand terrible questions ran through his mind. Had he held her hand across the table? Had they argued about which way to split the check? Had he kissed her on her doorstep when he went to drop her off?

Of course, it wasn’t like they’d ever said anything about being exclusive. That was apparently just Dean, assuming that Cas took this more seriously than he did. That he took _Dean_ more seriously, that he saw him as anything other than a fun romp between the sheets.

“I need to go take a leak,” Dean mumbled, suddenly feeling claustrophobic around all these people. 

He stood up, ignoring Charlie’s concerned look. She’d ask him about this later, he knew, but right now he couldn’t deal with it. 

The bathroom was thankfully empty. Dean locked the door behind him and leaned against it, and just focused on breathing evenly.

He was honestly pathetic. What had he been expecting? Cas had made it clear from the beginning what they were, and Dean had agreed to that. Just because he’d changed it mind, that didn’t mean Cas had to. And why would he? It wasn’t like Dean was anything to write home about, personality-wise.

How had he let himself think that their connection went deeper than it did? How had he convinced himself that just because he’d had sex with Cas, had been over to his place and fallen asleep next to him a couple of times, that meant he knew him at all? That he loved him?

Except Dean  _did_ love him. That was the kicker. The cherry on top of this abso-fucking-lutely shit sundae. He’d been stupid enough to fall in love with someone who wanted nothing to do with him.

Dean’s phone chirped, pulling him out of his downward spiral. He glanced at it, heart sinking when he saw it was a text from Cas.

_Can I come over in an hour?_

Just the thought of seeing Cas now, of letting Cas see him like this, made Dean feel nauseous. But if he was ever gonna break this off, it had to be now, while he still felt like this. In the morning, Dean might be able to convince himself that this wasn’t such a big deal. That he would be fine with sharing Cas with someone else, even if it ended up killing him slowly.

 _Sure,_ he texted in reply, hitting send before he could give himself a moment to think it over.

***

Since Dean was a coward, he slipped out of the bar unseen, only texting to tell Charlie that he’d left once he was half-way home.

Waiting for Cas was agonizing. Dean turned on the TV to distract himself, but it was no use. Images of Cas and Meg Masters together kept popping up in his head. 

The two of them on their date, staring into each other’s eyes from across the table, feeding each other bites from their forks. Cas listening to her talk with rapt attention, laughing at her stupid jokes, eyes turning soft and gentle when she shared something private. Telling her about himself in turn, all the things he’d kept hidden from Dean.

Then after the date, him taking her back to his place. Kissing her the same way he’d kissed Dean, hands making the same journey down her body, touching her just like he’d touched Dean, except this time it would mean something to him.

Yeah, so Dean’s brain was a dick and wanted him to suffer. But what else was new.

Dean had almost talked himself into just calling Cas and breaking the whole thing off over the phone, when there was a knock on the door. 

He stood up, taking a deep, fortifying breath. He could do this, quick and easy. Just like tearing off a band-aid. A couple of words, and Cas would be out of his life for good.

But it was easier said than done, when he opened the door to be greeted by Cas’ intense blue eyes. Before Dean could get a word out, Cas had already stepped inside, closed the door behind him, and turned them around so he could push Dean against it.

Then Cas leaned in for a kiss, and Dean’s brain finally caught up with the situation. He turned his head to the side just in time for Cas’ lips to hit his cheek.

Cas leaned back, frowning. “Is something wrong?”

“I think we should stop seeing each other,” Dean said, the words coming out rushed and all in one breath, because that was the only way he could do this. 

Cas stiffened. His eyes searched Dean’s face for a moment, as if waiting for the punchline or something. Dean squared his jaw, desperately trying to project an aura of indifference.

Cas took a step back, letting go off Dean’s arms. “If that’s what you want.”

 _If that’s what you want_. 

Dean’s expression crumbled, and he felt what little determination he’d had leave him.  _If that’s what you want_. That was  _it_ , after five months? Dean had thought he’d given up all hope after hearing about Meg, but now he realized that he’d been expecting Cas to say  _something_ , to put up some sort of fight.

“Dean.” 

Cas sounded shocked. He reached out his hand to cup Dean’s face, thumb stroking softly underneath Dean’s right eye, and Dean realized with numb mortification that he’d started  _crying_.

It was like a dam bursting, and suddenly the words came flowing out. “Of course i don’t want that! I want this to  _mean_ something to you, because it means so fucking much to me. Because I had to be a goddamn  _idiot_ and fall in love with a guy who just sees me as his fuck buddy, and I thought I could live with that, but I can’t.”

So much for quick and easy. Or getting out of this with his dignity intact.

“In love?” Cas repeated. 

He’d gone pale, mouth slack, and Dean could just picture the horror that must be running through his mind. He had to be kicking himself for letting Dean get this close. 

Dean looked down, unable to look Cas in the face anymore. He should be asking him to leave, before he embarrassed himself further. He felt flayed open, raw and vulnerable, and he knew that whatever Cas said next could very well break him.

But Cas didn’t say anything. Instead, he cupped Dean’s face with his other hand as well, guiding Dean’s lips towards his own in a soft, unbearably gentle kiss. Then he drew back, resting his forehead against Dean’s.

“I’m so, so sorry, Dean,” he said, voice shaky. “I’m sorry that I led you to believe that this... that  _you_ meant anything less than absolutely everything to me.”

Dean blinked, unable to believe or even comprehend what Cas was saying. “But... Meg,” he managed to stutter.

Cas drew back, shaking his head slightly. “She’s an old friend, Dean.”

“But... you were the one who- you  _wanted_ this just to be about sex.”

“So did you,” Cas reminded him gently. “If I had known that you’d changed your mind... I’m sorry, I’m not very good at reading people. It’s why most of my other relationships have failed.”

“I’m not so good with that either,” Dean admitted. He was still struggling to keep up with the sudden turn this conversation had taken, feeling disoriented, brain still scrambling for reasons why Cas had to be lying, or mistaken, or just plain wrong. “You... want me?”

“Of course.”

“And you...”

“I love you,” Cas finished, maybe sensing that Dean couldn’t.

“ _Why?”_

“Because you’re  _you_ ,” Cas said without missing a beat. “And you’re wonderful, Dean, the most incredible man I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

Dean shook his head, angrily blinking back tears that were threatening to fall. “But...”

Cas kissed him again, and Dean gave in with a whimper, all further protests dying on his tongue. Joy surged in his chest, pure and unadulterated, as at last it began to sink in that this was  _happening_. Cas, brilliant, beautiful Cas, wanted him.  _Loved_ him.

When Cas tugged at him, Dean followed willingly, glad that the talking was over for now. They stumbled down the corridor, towards the bedroom, their progress impeded by Cas pushing Dean against the wall every couple of feet to kiss him again and grind against him.

By the time they made it to the bedroom, they were both close to bursting. They separated just long enough to tear off their clothes in a hurry, and then Cas was pushing Dean onto the bed and climbing on top of him.

They came just like that minutes later, grinding against each other. At the first touch of Cas’ hand on his dick, Dean was  _lost_ , and Cas followed in just a few strokes.

Cas didn’t pull away after, instead laying down next to Dean, wrapping his arms around him and bringing him even closer, nose nuzzling against the sensitive area just behind Dean’s ear. Dean relaxed into his embrace, closing his eyes and just letting himself enjoy this.

“We need to discuss this further,” Cas said after a few minutes of blessed silence.

Dean huffed, but he knew Cas was right. “Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” Cas agreed. 

“But you’re fucking me through the mattress first,” Dean said, because he could only stay serious for so long before ruining the moment.

He felt Cas smile against his skin. “Just give me fifteen minutes.”

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: *sigh* I’ve just got such a huge need for heartbreaker!Cas. Like, him and Dean being hook-up buddies; they’re not friends or boyfriends or anything. Except Dean is in love with Cas, who rocks his world in bed but is always distant before and after. And one day, Dean finds out or sees Cas with someone else and he blurts out his feelings the next time they’re together. Of course, it turns that they’re idiots and Cas likes Dean too, but he sucks at relationships so he’s been trying to deny his feelings by keeping things purely physical. Just really toppy Cas and lots of H/C?


End file.
